Hey, hey Wednesday!
Today we’re taking a PEEK INTO LIFE for February!
This is where, once a month, I’ll show you a “peek” into different aspects of our life. Ranging from topics of certain areas of our home, how I organize, plan, and do regular life. I love seeing how other moms run their homes, do family, and I always enjoy learning new tips!
In January, we took a peek at…
…our family’s coffee bar area. Today, you’ll be getting a peek into our ENNEAGRAM types.
Now I am certainly not an expert on enneagram. Nor do I know all of the ins and outs of this personality tool. However, I will share ways the enneagram has helped our family better relate to one another. It has been one of the most helpful tools in parenting our kids, as it has taught Ryan and I to look beyond what our kids do (their behaviors) and get to know why they do what they do (their heart’s motive). It has tremendously helped us to not put our kids in a one-size-fits-all mold and parent our kids as individuals.
Side note: I do know there are a lot of opinions about the origins of the enneagram that raises concerns for certain people. However, we simply use the enneagram as a tool for enhancing relationships, not as a foundation of religious belief.
It is amazing how our relationships can develop once we’re aware of the reasons why we do the the things we do. The enneagram helped us distinguish what each of us is motivated by.
A basic explanation of the enneagram, as I understand it, is that there are nine basic personality types, with each number representing that type. While you might find yourself a little in each number, only one of them should stand out as being closest to yourself. This is your basic personality type. (It has been explained that people do not change from one basic personality type to another). I love that no number is either better or worse than another. Each number has its own unique assets, as well as liabilities. So we are not trying to attain to a certain number. Within each of our numbers, we can fluctuate between a healthy, average, and unhealthy version of ourselves. Our goal then, is to understand when we are operating out of these versions, and find out why.
Here is what the nine types look like…
Most people assume I am a nine, but the motives of a nine do not resonate with me. I am a seven. Type seven is spontaneous, versatile, acquisitive, and scattered. Ryan is a four. Type four is expressive, dramatic, self-absorbed, and temperamental.
The nine numbers are then further grouped into what is called a “center”. Each center has three types, and those three types deal with the same dominant emotion, but respond in different ways to it. The three centers are Fear, Anger and Shame.
As a seven, I am in the “fear” center. But what I fear is different than the other two types in the Fear Center (types five and six). Sevens have fear about their inner world. Feelings of pain, loss or being deprived of anything is something we sevens like to avoid. In order to do so, sevens like to keep their minds occupied with exciting possibilities.
I am constantly trying to find things to look forward to! For me, it doesn’t necessarily manifest as doing adventurous things, but more keeping my mind stimulated with learning something new. I have to constantly ground myself to press into boredom and see things to the end.
Another aspect I have to focus on is staying present to pain and discomfort. It takes work for me to identify what I’m feeling. Learning about enneagram helped me recognize, that as a seven, I have a tendency to be in denial of what I’m really emotionally experiencing. I was constantly lying to myself that, “I’m fine! It’s fine! We’re all fine!” I love that the asset of my type is that I’m a very positive person, and can find the silver lining in most everything. However, I am learning to face my darker emotions (sadness, disappointment, etc.), and trust that being in denial about them won’t make them go away!
And another accurate portrayal…
Now everyone is also a mixture of their basic personality type (dominant) and usually one of the two adjacent types (complements). This is referred to as your “wing”. The crazy thing is that the wing sometimes contradicts your basic personality type. I see this clearly in mine. I am a seven with a six wing (also referred to as 7w6). This is one of the main reasons people misunderstand that I’m a seven, because my six wing is on constant lookout for any possible pain or discomfort, and coming up with all paths needed to be thought through in order to avoid catastrophe. So my six wing often rules out my seven’s spontaneity. You won’t find this seven jumping out of an airplane! My “new experiences” are not in the realm of adventure and what I can do, but more in the realm of what I can learn (read, listen to, research).
A good comparison of sevens with opposing wings is…
I came across a report card of mine from Kingergarten, because my dad (an enneagram 1) saved EVERY SINGLE report card of mine. When I showed Ryan and the kids, we were all dying! The first time I opened it up, I thought to myself, “oh this is going to be so cute to hear all the sweet things my kindergarten teacher had to say about little ol’ me”. Let’s take a look…
SOCIAL #1: Works and plays well with other children…”usually” (Read: Plays well, unless they are negative and pessimistic, or aren’t appreciating her ideas and the energy she brings).
SOCIAL #6: Is usually friendly and cheerful…”Shannon can be very stubborn and then has trouble in these situations” (Read: Is usually friendly and cheerful, but game over if they are trying to micromanage her).
EMOTIONAL #2: Displays self-control…”We’ve been working on self-control, tears and stubborness”. (Dear Mrs. Samuel, just let the girl work independently, and watch her fly!).
Bahahahaha!!! If only my kindergarten teacher knew she was dealing with an enneagram 7!
I’ll share a few resources that we have used to interact with and learn more about our enneagram types. First up, you can take THIS FREE TEST to find out which number you are. Or for a more in-depth test, you can take THIS PAID TEST (I took the RHETI test, $12).
So far, we’ve had our oldest take the test, and it blew my mind! I would have thought for sure she was an eight (which is actually her wing). However, her test results determined she was a nine. I would never have guessed that, based on what I saw as her behavior. However, only she knows her motivation behind why she does what she does. The crazy thing about her dominant and her wing, is that they contradict themselves (her combo 9w8, is in fact, the most complex on the ennegram, we learned).
I had completely put her in a box of a certain personality (an eight). Her results were so far from what I thought she was, I told her she needed to re-take the test! (Her results, both times, were a nine). 😂 🤷🏻♀️ It revolutionized how I related to her and how to best allow her to show up and feel known.
Our younger three kids have yet to take an official test, but the more we learn about each type, the easier it is to help them identify with what is motivating them to make certain choices.
So far, we believe Naiya is a three with a two wing (3w2). She is by far our most outwardly competitive child. Second place is losing to her. But she is, and always has been, such a helper and a nurturer. She is the first one to cuddle and engage with her baby cousins.
Noah is most likely a four with a three wing (4w3), which is the same as Ryan’s. He is creative, ponders the ups and downs of life without fear or remorse, and has always been giddy at the romantic scenes of books or movies (like when Laura Ingalls is being courted by Alfonso). Although his sensitive side is mostly present, he is fierce on the soccer field! It is not an option to lose!
Last, but not least, our Josiah. He is probably a one with a two wing (1w2). His innate drive to do what is right has made it easy to parent him, especially because he’s the youngest and we’re a bit more relaxed. But learning that ones deal with an inner critic, has helped me to go easy on him when he’s made a mistake, knowing that he’s already dealing with a harsh internal voice. Bless his heart, it is a constant battle for him to keep his mama focused and on-track with homeschooling. He would prefer a much more structured homeschool schedule, but his mama is a seven and has to keep things spontaneous and interesting. Ha! He is also my timer and alarm clock, constantly asking what time we are supposed to arrive places and then announcing when we are two minutes late. Like Naiya, he has always been motivated to be of help and feel useful. I quickly learned that he is more than capable of helping me with more complex tasks, and honestly does some of them better than I would.
This book is the first book I read on enneagram, based off of multiple recommendations from friends…
The Road Back to You: An Ennegram Journey to Self-Discovery is probably the most accessible and engaging book on the topic. This book is written in a way that makes it easy to understand the enneagram tool. The authors write from a Christian perspective, but are not overly opinionated or dogmatic.
I love that this book draws upon the author’s personal experiences and uses friends as examples. Even my oldest was nodding her head, laughing at different explanations, and concurring with me as I read this out loud to her.
I should also note, that our family makes it a habit to not pigeon-hole one another to our types, nor say things such as “you’re such an (insert number here…”) in order to shame one another.
I’d really like to read this next book soon…
Within my marriage, learning our enneagram numbers has helped us to release each other from doing things the way we would do it ourselves. It has taught us how to become more compassionate towards one another, knowing that we have different approaches to life, because we have different priorities at the core-level of who we are. As a seven, my main goal in doing anything, is most likely going to be driven by my desire to HAVE FUN! But with a six wing, I am driven by safety and needing to feel protected. And as a four, Ryan’s main goal is most likely to do or create something that is unique! With a three wing, he’s going to go over the top, to make sure his work is recognized and his efforts are seen and experienced to the fullest.
I know what I shared probably does not even scratch the surface of all the nuances the enneagram entails. But it’s a little peek into what I’ve learned so far and the few ways our family has benefitted from this personality test!
Hope you’ve enjoyed the enneagram edition of Peek Into Life! You can be on the lookout each month during 2022 for the following random assortment of topics…
Enjoy the rest of your Wednesday! See you back on Friday for another round of Friday Favorites! xoxo
