Welcome to Wednesday! Kids are off school for a snow day today!
Every month this year, I’ll be sharing little aspects of our life where you can take a LOOK and see how we do things here at the Grossman house.
I’ll be joining a monthly link up with Erika and Shay, ranging from topics of relationships, routines, my mama life, and how I organize, plan, and do regular life. I love seeing how other moms run their homes, structure their routines, and I always enjoy learning new tips!
You can be on the lookout during 2025 for the following random assortment of topics…
So far, this is what we’ve taken a “look” at this year:
In January, we looked at LOW LEVEL GOALS FOR 2025.
This month’s LET’S LOOK is taking a look at HOW WE WORK ON OUR MARRIAGE.
This April, Ryan and I will celebrate 21 years of marriage!
This is the secret sauce to our marriage. 🤣
The reality of our marriage, is that it has always had its bumps in the road. Now over twenty years in, we can say without a doubt, there is NO possible way that we would still be together WITHOUT Jesus. Our marriage has been sustained through what felt like the darkest of times through humility, forgiveness, accountability and counseling. But those four things have only been able to be applied because both Ryan and I submit to a higher authority, which we take very seriously. We believe we will one day have to answer to that authority, when it is our time.
I say all this, not to go to a super heavy place quickly, but to bing some authenticity to the discussion and to celebrate our hard-fought-for marriage. I’ll share my Top Ten things (in no particular order) that I believe have helped us the most along the way.
#10: Taking the DISC Test.
Ryan and I have known since day one, that we are complete opposites in every way. It’s what attracted us to each other. But when push comes to shove, it has led to many misunderstandings and frustrations. The DISC test helped us gain insight into our communication style, decision making process, and how we respond to pressure. This has been a helpful tool to accept that we are different, knowing how and why we interact with others. In a nutshell, this allowed us to stop being so judgmental of one another!
#9: Taking the Strengths Finders Test.
Another personality test for the win! This test gave us a deeper understanding of our individual natural strengths and talents. Once we saw each other’s results, we could clearly see the root of argument patterns. Understanding what is important to the other person, alleviates trying to change them. We are more easily able to accept how the other is wired and give space to differences.
#8: Maintaining intimacy with one another.
This area of our marriage is always a work in progress. From having four babies in seven years, being super sick with every pregnancy, nursing for half of those seven years, energy and overstimulation often lead to a barrier to intimacy. The beauty of almost 21 years of marriage is knowing that we need intimacy in order to feel connected on all three levels – physically, mentally and emotionally. And it’s just a fact, that we argue less and laugh more, when we make this a priority.
#7: Learning to laugh at ourselves and each other.
If anything has changed the most in our marriage, it is the ability to not take ourselves so seriously. We are not in competition with one another and nobody wins if I am right and he is wrong. Sometimes the truth is there is no right or wrong, just different priorities. Honestly, those personality tests helped us to not see each other as the enemy. It allowed us to “agree to disagree”. And THAT has been huge in our marriage. More often than not, we are able to use humor to diffuse tension. Ryan has become an expert at disarming situations with laughter, and I’m so grateful for that!
#6: Stay adventurous.
This one is more for me. Good grief. This husband of mine keeps me on my toes. I was raised in a safety-first household. My husband? Not so much. When most other parents are telling their kids to get down from the tree, my husband is giving our kids step-by-step directions for how to climb to the top. I have to make a conscious effort to say “yes” to adventure with my husband and my kids. I hate the initial saying “yes” part, it scares me to death, but the payout is ALWAYS worth it. Honestly, I think it keeps us young.
#5: Travel together.
I am grateful that my husband has always been a world traveler (he grew up overseas), and that has been our norm since day one. I am also grateful he is great with travel logistics and is always dreaming of our next trip. His work has provided annual trips across the world as well, so we have the gift of traveling just the two of us. From trips together as a family, as a couple, and with friends, this is such a healthy outlet for our marriage. We most definitely would not have this ability if it were not for Ryan’s parents, who have never turned down a request to watch our kids. We are so grateful!
#4: Lean into each other’s dreams.
Ryan dreams a lot. Most of his dreams flat our terrify me. I like to stay in my comfort zone, and he likes to push the boundaries. Leaning into each other’s dreams is often inconvenient. But we have learned that the joy and life it brings to our spouse, overflows into a healthier family life. Ryan’s dreams usually require of me to embrace adventure and dare to live outside my comfort zone. My passion of coaching has required of Ryan to take on carpool and dinner duties during our family’s most busy time of year, every fall. The end result is a more fulfilled spouse, and that spark feels like magic in our home.
#3: Serve together in a purpose bigger than ourselves.
Throughout the last two decades, Ryan and I have taken our kids on overseas mission trips to build homes, lead bible studies, connect with orphans, and get outside of our privileged life here in America. It has been the backbone of providing real life perspective of what we have, which is hard to do otherwise. One of the ways Ryan and I have tried to do this locally, is by hosting an annual fundraiser for Consider the Lily. Since this is hosted at our farm, where we live, it has been an organic way to invite our kids to take ownership as well. Just last year we made three different trips to the Philippines, so it has also opened doors for our kids to travel abroad and be a part of something bigger than themselves. In fact, our two daughters (ages 16 and 15) traveled ON THEIR OWN to the Philippines last summer, where they stayed with friends for a couple of weeks and helped at one of the Consider the Lily homes.
#2: Maintain outside friendships.
These are just facts. Ryan and I need to have friends outside of ourselves. Our desire is to be best friends, but I’ve also learned that I don’t have to process EVERY emotional conversation with Ryan. Sometimes I need to just have a girlfriend’s listening ear or encouraging words. And sometimes, Ryan is not always able to give that to me. I used to think that meant there’s something wrong with him or our communication, but I’ve come to understand that it’s okay to lean on friends! Our friends have been a voice of reason. There are times where we disagree heartily about a situation, and I’ll ask him to run it by one of his friends (that I trust). It’s just helpful and we aren’t meant to do this life thing on our own. Plus, traveling with friends is an amazing bonus! Ryan and I have way more fun when our friends are with us.
#1: Forgiveness.
Before getting into this one, I should mention that our motivation to do any of the work to have a healthy marriage is these little people right here. We want our home to feel safe and nurturing, we want our kids to feel secure and confident that their mom and dad love each other. (I know not all marriages work out for numerous reasons. I grew up in a single-parent home and know that there can be health and beauty in a home in the aftermath of a divorce).
There is no easy way to forgive. It is always difficult and unnatural. I admit Ryan is much quicker to do this than I am. There is absolutely no way we would still be married today if it were not for our willingness to forgive. This doesn’t mean that we don’t maintain boundaries within our marriage or allow hurtful behavior to go unaddressed. It does mean that we pursue reconciliation, apologize, and choose to forgive. One of the most impactful resources we’ve found on forgiveness (this applies to all relationships, not just marriage) is Bruce Wilkinson’s 70×7 Forgiveness Series. This has been life changing.
Ryan and I are not poster children for an effortless marriage. But we both desire to continue to have a healthy marriage and put in the work to grow and learn. Although it is far from perfect, we do laugh a whole lot and want to have fun growing old together.
Alright, next month on LET’S LOOK, I’ll be sharing HOW WE RESET FOR THE WEEK ON SUNDAYS.
I love a good routine. I can’t wait to read what everyone else does to setup their week for success!
I’m off to have a special snow day crepe breakfast and enjoy the day off with my kids! xoxo
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